How To Stay In A Relationship And Not Kill Anyone

After a few weeks covfefeing, I am back with some words of wisdom which I have amassed. I come bearing information that will be vital to everyone’s survival. Never has their been a discovery of such impact since that time they discovered penicillin (and yes, I had to depend on the Microsoft dictionary to correctly spell penicillin).

To quote a meme I saw: “Relationships nowadays are like kazi ya mjengo. One day you are fine and then next day you are told not to go back to work”. Continue reading “How To Stay In A Relationship And Not Kill Anyone”

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Top Ten Rules For A Happier Life According To Biko, Gibbs et al

You may have wondered where I have been all this time instead of entertaining you with poorly researched blogs; well, I had to find myself(Chuckle).

And I have come back with wisdom that you will not want to miss out on. The elite of the society don’t want us to know this and it is about time every got the actual ten rules of living an amazing life.

Before I give you the ten rules, it is imperative I tell you all I did was just pick my top ten Gibbs rules and put them in context.

Okay, let’s get into it.

Continue reading “Top Ten Rules For A Happier Life According To Biko, Gibbs et al”

FIFA And Demons

Disclaimer: at the end of this post, you will end up hating an old, senile man from Switzerland.

Football World governing body FIFA (which you may know as the Federation International de Football Association OR as that game where no one can beat you at on Play Station) has over the years been the epitome of corruption.

Now, I know, some of you are not fans of football, but just try and stay with me here. I promise to not mention any football fact or any football player, and if you can read this to the end, I promise to show you a video that will absolutely make your day. But you have to stick with me. Okay?

CORRUPT DEMONS

Since probably its inception, FIFA has been the mother of money laundering and racketeering. In May, plain clothed FBI agents descended on the Baur au Lac hotel in Zurich and arrested 14 FIFA officials.

In case you missed that, I said, the FBI. Yes, a USA criminal investigation body made the arrests. It took the country that cares the LEAST about football to try and make a change in the game.

Subsequently, one of the main people later arrested was Chuck Blazer, former secretary general of Concacaf, who, by the way, looks like an evil Santa.

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Chuck Blazer

Chuck Blazer actually had an apartment bought out in Trump towers. and the apartment was exclusively being used by………..wait for it……….almost there………..HIS CATS! A cat has life better figured out than I have. I bet that cat was the inspiration of the naming of FIFA; “uhm…excuse me, the cat is not called Fifir, it’s Fifur”.

The US government, is looking into allegations of bribery, spanning over three decades and amounting to over $100m. Yes, 100,000,000 dollars. My calculator actually told me “out of range” when I tried to convert that into Kenyan shillings.

Qatar, Russia and even Portugal have been faced with allegations of “donating” money to FIFA officials and organizations, and sometimes even passing them as paintings in order to get “favor” among the bigwigs. An investigation revealed that even South Africa “donated” thousands of dollars to the Trinidad and Tobago football association(TTFF) to “improve” their football. Back then , TTFF was headed by Jack Warner, the former Vice-president of FIFA, who had major influence on who gets the rights to host the games.

JACK WARNER

Which brings me to Jack Warner, the former vice-president of FIFA. A man who looks like the old, ugly, poorly dressed version of Number One from Kid’s Next Door.

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Jack Warner

Jack Warner, before I even dive into football, is accused of diverting $750,000 of Haiti Earthquake relief funds into his bank account for “personal use.”

He bears the worst brunt of the accusations, with almost all football associations accusing him of asking for kickbacks in order to get “things going their way.” You know what, when asked about the corruption allegations, before his arrest, he said “If you want to be pious…build a church. Our business is our business.”

Then here is the icing on the cake. Minutes after his release from authorities, Jack Warner held a campaign meeting where he was jovially singing and dancing to Bob Marley’s “Everything Is Gonna Be Alright”. That is the most defensive song you could ever play if you are accused of corruption. I am sure, if they get $10,000 dollars more, Jack is going to be singing Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me”. (Who took 750,000 dollars, meant to help people? IT WASN’T ME! Who decided to give the rights to only people who bribed him? IT WASN’T ME)

STADIUMS OF DEATH AND DESPAIR

Every footballer’s dream is to play in a world class stadium. However, FIFA has managed to spoil that for everyone too. FIFA to us is essentially drones to the Syrian people. Anytime we see them, we should hide and they have essentially spoiled beautiful skies(stadia).

The world cup in Brazil in 2014 saw the renovations of stadiums and the building of new ones to the cost which my

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The Estadio Nacional Mane Garrincha

calculator again has said “out of range”. Despite the many protest at the Ujaluo nature of these stadia, president Dilma Roussef, under the spell of FIFA continued with construction.

Currently, the second most expensive stadium in the world, the Estádio Nacional Mané Garrincha built at a cost of almost $500m is unable to be filled because there is no team in Brasilia big enough to fill it. It has subsequently been turned into a parking lot for buses.

Other stadiums have suffered similar fate. Without fans and matches, they have been reduced to holding children’s birthday parties, weddings and religious events. Some have even offered a home for homeless people in the unused locker rooms.

But surprisingly, this is not the worst stadiums tragedy created by FIFA.

The 2022 World Cup, for some reason, will be held in Qatar. Yes, Qatar, a country that, for one, even I did not know plays football and two, a country that has summer temperatures reaching 50 degrees Celsius. You thought Brazil was hot? Playing in Qatar will be the equivalent of trying to stay cool by wearing a winter coat in an oven. We will essentially be playing football at temperatures high enough to fry an egg.

Qatar still hold the rights to hold the games despite proof coming out that “donations” were made.

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Protesters in Doha march in protest of deplorable working conditions for migrant workers working in the 2022 World Cup stadia

Before a ball is kicked in the summer of 2022, 4,000 people would have died constructing those stadiums.Currently, 1,200 people have lost their lives trying to construct Qatar’s state of the art stadiums. Most of the people involved in the construction are migrant citizens who went to Qatar in search of a better life; but as well know, they have been through hell. From having their passports confiscated to prevent “escape” on the lower scale to Nepalese workers being denied a “bereavement leave” following the earthquakes that rocked the country earlier this year on the higher scale, the situation in Qatar is a human rights crisis! And FIFA are quite content to turn their heads and pretend it is not happening.

SEPP BLATTER; THE SWISS DEMON

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President of FIFA, Joseph Blatter, attends the press conference following the meeting of the FIFA executive committee in Zurich, on March 21, 2013. AFP PHOTO / SEBASTIEN BOZON (Photo credit SEBASTIEN BOZON/AFP/Getty Images)

Which brings me to Sepp Blatter, the man who has managed to spoil the game that I love so much. Sepp Blatter hails from Switzerland and has been the president of FIFA since before I was born. Currently, there is Issa Hayatou, who is the acting president following Sepp Blatter “stepping down”. Issa Hayatou who by the way, also has corruption allegations following him. Everyone in FIFA essentially is like my dishes. They should all essentially be clean, but most of the time, all of them are dirty.

Sepp Blatter has been the head of all the aforementioned corruption allegations and his defense was “I cannot supervise everyone who is under me”. Which by the way is almost a verbatim response to what Anne Waiguru said.

We should have known from the beginning, one is not simply named Sepp unless his parents knew he was going to grow up to make millions of lives a living hell.

Sepp has continuously insisted that FIFA is a non-profit organization. To him, perhaps “non-profit” has two meanings, both non-profit-making and profit-making. You know, like how Aloha means both Hello and Goodbye.

If you do not hate him by now, here is a sample of his most tasteful responses to journalist’s questions:

When asked what can be done to improve Women’s Football, Sepp said “Maybe they should wear tighter shorts”

When asked about gay fans attending games in Qatar, Sepp said “they should refrain from coming”

When asked about John Terry cheating on his wife with his best friend’s wife, he said “If it was in Latin America, John would have been applauded.”

When asked about racism in football, he said “There’s no racism in football.”

I told you at the end of this post you will end up hating an old man from Switzerland.

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Sepp Blatter walking off from a Press Conference announcing his resignation from FIFA aka THE GREATEST FOOTBALL PICTURE EVER TAKEN

He has supposedly stepped aside, but there needs to be a complete overhaul of these demons, starting from the Swiss Demon, to this other demons from Ivory Coast, to the demon from Trinidad and Tobago to other small demons around the world like Samuel Nyamweya and trust me, America, if you can clean up FIFA and make the football sports great again, I will forget that time you denied Boyhood a clear Oscar Award or that time you came to our continent and decided we seemed fit enough to go and pick your cotton for you.

Before I forget, I owe you a video:

Captain Snowden: The Intelligence Soldier

Let me just start by saying DIGONG IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. WHOOP! WHOOP! Ah, we knew he was going to run eventually. But more of him perhaps next week…or next year…I am still in a grey area about him.

Let’s turn our attention to someone else whose ration of good deeds to bad deeds is almost 1:1; Edward Snowden.

Edward Snowden’s life is a lot like “Captain America:WinScreen Shot 2015-04-10 at 12.06.21 PMter Soldier”. Everyone remembers what he looks like but no one actually remembers what he did, who he was fighting against or what the general plot was. And yes, I know there might be a few of you who read this and think to themselves “Edward Snowden is that Wiki leaks guy who released a bunch of information about the government.” Wrong. The Wiki leaks guy is Julian Assange and I don’t get how you would confuse him with Edward Snowden. Snowden is more of a Chris Evans and Assange is more of that albino villain from The Da Vinci Code.(Side bar: whJulianAssange053015o else is on Team Cap in the Civil War?)

Just to bring you to speed, Edward Snowden is that dude who stole classified documents from an agency that literally has the word SECURITY in it’s name and leaked them to the press. Documents from the National Security Agency(NSA) that showed just how much privacy is just an illusion we created for ourselves. By the time I finish writing this, the NSA will have profiled me and done a background search and by association, investigated everyone that I have ever come in contact with. By the time you finish reading this, they will probably know where you were three years ago, what you were doing and who you were doing it with.

Snowden leaked the documents to journalist because he was outraged by the reach to which NSA had extended its mandate; basically just spying on people in the name of “National Security.”

Infacnsa_logo-100043212-larget,a report showed that soem NSA officials were now using the spyware to spy on their significant other or people they wish were their significant other. Which is basically “hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here is your Facebook password, twitter password, google plus log in history, web browser history and bank account information, so call me maybe”

Now, like most people, you probably don’t care about this, so let me put this in a context you will probably appreciate. Imagine you are in a relationship and you decide to “spice things up” by sending nude photos to your significant other. Before the nudes reach there intended location, about 10 guys have had a pretty good laugh about it in some dingy, dark room NSA offices.

Now, the Obama administration has contentiously refuted claims that they are spying on pretty much everyone. Which begs the question, why is he so mad at Putin for offering Snowden asylum? and why did they suddenly force the plane of Bolivian president Eva Morales down because they thought Snowden may have been on board?

Snowden has gone on record saying that he could have leaked the documents sooner, but he really thought that Obama would usher in real change. Trust me Snowden, it was a joke we all fell for.

Now NSA has different programs, including a group of software codenamed BLARNEY, FAIRVIEW, OAKSTAR and STORMBREW —Which frankly sound like better beer names than “Budweiser”.

However, their main spy program  is Prism that collects data from Facebook, Yahoo, Skype, Gmail, Microsoft, Google etc-Weirdly, in researching this story, I didn’t see LinkedIn.(Even deranged spy agencies are not going to go near that LinkedIn thing).PRISM_logo

For instance, if you open Facebook on your tabs, whatever else you open, Facebook records. Which is why you will find that in “Suggested Pages” or the “People You May Know”, they are usually things close to your heart. I.e, if let’s say all the “People You May Know” are girls with profile pictures that are basically soft-core pornography, then we don’t need the NSA to tell us which sites you have recently visited. I bet on twitter, if you follow NSA, you don’t even have to ask them to follow back, they did that 5years ago.

Snowden wanted us to have a debate on this issue, but right now, apparently Justin Bieber’s new song is more debate-worthy. And if it’s about Snowden, mainstream media wants us to focus on what he told his girlfriend when he was 17years old rather than what he did a couple of years ago.

Now it seems unconstitutional. But here is the crux, it really isn’t. The agency apparently have a court order, acquired in secret, allowing them to collect “Any Tangible Things” so long as it pertains to “National Security”. What this essentially means is that If an NSA agent found me let’s say eating a Pepperoni Pizza, he could take it away and if he claims its for National Security, I am legally not allowed to high five him….in the face….with a chair…..made of bricks.

But here is where they confused all of us, they called this order, “The Patriot Act”. You know, we all want to seem patriotic, we love our government. Plus, you know, calling it the  “We Are About To Spy On All Of You Without Your Knowledge Or Consent Act” is just giving the PR department of the NSA too much work.

NSA has claimed that thanks to The Patriot Act, it has prevented terror plots. Actually, in front of Congress, they claimed to have stopped 54 plots. Now, this was a bold lie. Like that time James Clapper and/or Barack Obama walked in front of congress and/or the media and denied that they were spying on people.

Out of all thero-and-traitor-arent-mutually-exclusivehe 54 supposed “thwarted” plots, only ONE, yes ONE was verified and this involved a Cab Driver giving $8,500 to someone who may or may not have been linked to Al-Qaeda.

Now, you may ask yourself, how does this affect me? How does this affect the cool Joe in the street just trying to make a living?

Well, it probably doesn’t matter to you. But think of it this way, why do you get so mad when you tell someone a secret and a third party gets involved. Or, if that still doesn’t matter to you, think of one of your nudes being used as a wallpaper by some NSA dude.

We have our fundamental civil liberties infringed by a group of people who just decide to spy on people when they are bored instead of playing Candy Crush like the rest of us mere mortals. EVERYTHING WE DO VIA OUR CELLPHONES OR COMPUTERS HAS BEEN COLLECTED and a few million have been subject to analysis.

For journalist, it is especially a dangerous time because now, YOU CAN’T guarantee your sources anonymity. Which frankly makes what Mohammed Ali does seem a lot more bold right now. And for normal citizens, the Prism program analyses metadata, which means they can connect you to 1000 people. E.g, If I have say 500 friends on Facebook, if one of them turns out to be connected to a person who knows a person who knows a person who knows a person who may like to play with the dog of a person who is linked with Al-Qaeda, then by association, you are classified as Al-Qaeda.

NSA basically has a loaded pistol pointed at our heads and they are saying “I won’t shoot you. Trust me.”

So allow me to just end this blog post by saying, NSA, I know you will read this and not care. But I just want to say, you couldn’t come up with a better name than “Prism”?

And to Edward Snowden, you are my hero!

He was actually asked; “Should we just tell everyone to STOP taking nude photos”

and he answered “No…we should not just change our behavior because a government agency is doing wrong. If we sacrifice our values because of fear, we don’t really care about those values.”

Wait, now that I think of it…isn’t Edward Snowden the kid from Home Alone?

 

 

 

No Country For Bloggers

Every Saturday, I get to begrudgingly get out of bed, sit behind a computer, write a satirical piece about a current affairs issue and then sit and hope for two things: a)That my ONE reader will like the post and (b) that my internet connection will be strong enough.

I mean, it does feel good to blog. To grab my strong tea and play John Oliver. To think of a couple of jokes as you take a shower and see these jokes elicit “LOLs”. My fellow bloggers can attest to this. Your blog is your space to be you. To be free.

Today however, I would like to talk about a different group of bloggers. Bloggers whose work actually matters. Bloggers who have been killed for expressing their opinion. Continue reading “No Country For Bloggers”

Fantastic Four: The Philippine Elections

Next year May, the Philippines will have their national elections. Or, as the rest of the world calls it, the Is Manny Pacquiao Running For President election. And so, as a non-Filipino, an outsider who only has a fly on the wall approach to the whole process, I have decided to give my very biased and partial opinions on the elections

The Philippines elections is sort of like an all you can eat buffet. Sort of like a restaurant that announced free food and everyone just grabbed their plates and headed on to the place. Also, it is worth mentioning that the elections bear startling similarities to the Kenyan electoral system. For example, in both countries, people elect the president, the vice president then about eight other positions of people whose names you will forget the moment you leave the polling stations. (I honestly cannot remember the person I voted for as Women Rep)

There were 130 submissions for presidency including a candidate, whose nickname is, and I kid you not, “Archangel Lucifer”. For purposes of this post, we will focus on the top four candidates. I refuse to write about someone who may or may not run and who may have caused quite a few people to shave their heads. #Digong2016

Jejomar Binay

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VP Binay

Let me just start by saying that this man is surrounded by so many corruption allegations, I am surprised he is not Kenyan(He has on several occasions made jokes about his dark skin though). Actually, he could be some far distant relative of Anne Waiguru. He was the Vice President of Philippines in the previous government, resigned a few weeks ago to launch his bid.

During his campaign speeches, he has termed the Aquino’s administration as a “Lost Opportunity.” an administration WHICH HE WAS PART OF.He is basically behaving like a man who has been dating a girl for a while, dumps the girl and then turns and all the “I love you” turns into “she was a whore”. He plans to make change in the Philippines by making it more attractive to foreign investments by making amendments to the constitution to favor foreign companies. I have no problem with making the economic environment more investor friendly, my problem is with the “amending Constitution part”. Be very careful with someone who is willing to change the constitution whenever he pleases, because it means he can change any other clause in the Constitution if it means it will give him power and preferably, and this is what we all look for, happiness.

The Senate blue ribbon sub-committee hearings has brought so many skeletons rushing out of Binay’s closet I feel that he is actually looking towards Bill Cosby for empathy. (Too soon?)

Grace Poe

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Grace Poe

First of all, let us just take a moment and think about the headlines that will surface if Poe becomes president and the Pope gets to visit Philippine:

“Poe Meets The Pope”

“Pope Meets The His Almost Name Doppelganger Poe”.

I think I would have voted for Grace Poe just because her name sounds like the nick name of one of my favorite cartoon characters; Kung Fu Panda.

Grace Poe however is embattled in controversy. Well, not controversy as much as it is nuance. You see, most of the people want to revoke her candidacy for presidency because she is not “Filipino enough”.(Honestly guys, her name is Poe, the only more Filipina name than that is Cuneta).

The Philippine constitution stipulates that there are 5 types of Philippines citizens namely: 1) the citizens of the Philippine islands at the time of the adoption of the 1935 Constitution; 2) those born in the Philippine islands of foreign parents who had been elected to public office in the Philippines before the adoption of the 1935 Constitution; 3) those whose fathers are citizens of the Philippines; 4) those whose mothers are citizens of the Philippines and elect Philippine citizenship upon reaching the age of majority; and 5) those naturalized in accordance with the law.

And get this, GRACE POE doesn’t fit in any of them. Grace must really feel like the kid who is always picked last in games because they don’t belong anywhere. So she is currently in court trying to prove to, her rivals mainly, that she returned from the USA to The Philippines in 2005 and thus is eligible to run for the seat.

And I support her, if such draconian rules were strictly followed, then Barack Obama would have just remained Barack Oganja.(Barack is a Kenyan! and Hawaii technically is not American! Hawaii has cool refreshing drinks while America has that thing called Budweiser, which for some unknown reason , they insist on calling “beer”)

They should just make her sing the National Anthem and recite the loyalty pledge to prove her Philippines roots because we all know if they did that to Kenyans, about 38million of us would have our citizenship revoked.

Mar Roxas

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Mar Roxas

And now, to the ONLY FILIPINO WHO CANNOT SING. Mar Roxas, confessed that he can’t sing. Thats like a Chineese kid saying they do not know maths(I’m sorry, that’s racist. I digress). It’s like Messi saying he can’t play football or like the Kenyan government spending all its money wisely and not stealing any. It’s just unheard of.

His favorite game is Plants vs Zombies. Like most people who do not live in the Philippines, I have no idea what this game is. However, I assume that most Filipinos play it out of boredom. Roxas on the other hand plays it because it is a “technical and strategic game that enhances problem solving skills…” that sounds like a Rolling Stone review.

In the previous elections, Roxas lost to Binay in the Vice Presidents race and like everyone who loses elections, claimed Binay had over funded the Makati City Hall parking perimeter…errr…I mean, had rigged votes.(This Binay guy has so much corruption around him , I can’t keep up).

Roxas has been said to be only loyal to his allies, a strategist(especially with the way he dealt with the Mamasapano tragedy), hot headed and easily breaks under pressure. He is basically the Filipina version of Ole Lenku. (To all the Filipinos who will read this and don’t know who Ole Lenku is, just google “Westgate Burning Mattresses”- trust me, you can’t miss him. He is the guy that looks like he shouldn’t have ever been Cabinet Secretary).

Roxas also has another Achilles heel, his wife Korina, who goes on unnecessary public defenses about her husband; defending his “integrity.”

For me, he seems like a good guy, but if he was a book, I would put it down after a couple of pages, because nothing is really jumping out of the pages. Bring out your inner Donald Trump!

Miriam Defensor Santiago

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Miriam Defensor Santiago

Last but certainly not least( especially If you look at twitter followers) is Miriam Defensor Santiago. The iron lady of Asia. The woman whose twitter bio reads “Eats death threats for breakfast”. That is one hell of a Bio(and kind of ashamed that mine is comparatively more subtle.) Defensor is a very apt name for you ma’am.

Miriam just might make it to office because of a few reasons: a) her slogan is #MiriamFight2016. She realizes Philippines loves boxing; That slogan is so confusing, even people who don’t know Miriam will want to open it and find out what it is about and (b) She is a cancer survivor. She says she is back to reclaim her presidency of 1992 stolen from her by Lung Cancer which has since receded. Not to be of offense to anyone, but people love such stories; Binay’s rags to riches story(which should turn back to riches to rags), Benigno Aquino III and his parents Cory Aquino and Ninoy Aquino- The latter, whose name is being spoiled by the laglag-bala scam-, William Ruto’s hustler mentality( which offered comedians- veterans and amateurs- such valuable content) and Uhuru Kenyatta’s rise from a poor farmer’s father who had noth….oh wait, never mind.

Many a lawyer who has crossed her path has witnessed first hand her colourful personality. One of the quotes that really struck me when researching this story is “As for all those jerks in government who are my enemies, they are the reason why God created the middle finger!” She is basically the Jacob Zuma of Philippines. You know, the old flamboyant Jacob, not the current one who seems like he kidnapped the old Jacob and took over his body or something.

Where we clash with Miriam is this, she has appointed Ferdinand Marcos Jr aka “Bongbong” as her running mate. I mean, don’t get me wrong, that’s a cool nickname. The only other person with a cooler nickname than him is Davao City Mayor “Digong”. However, apples don’t fall too far away from the tree. For those who do not get what I mean, Google Ferdinand Marcos. In fact, let me give you a Wikipedia link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ferdinand_Marcos

And sure, it seems wrong for me to demonize the son for the sins of the father. And sure, Marcos seems like a guy who I wouldn’t mind having a beer with(If I didn’t know about family history and all), and sure, we can overlook the little thing of where he has continuously tried to water down the proposed Bangsamoro Basic Law………uhm yah, that’s pretty much it. End of paragraph

Luckily for Miriam and perhaps the whole of  Philippines, and this is the best thing about their elections, Presidents and Vice presidents are voted separately. It is not like in Kenya where if you vote for president, whoever was the running mate is automatically the Vice President. In Philippines, it’s a jungle out there. Ask Roxas, he knows what I am talking about.

And so, as you go to the elections Philippines, I will ask you to choose wisely. I will not ask you to not vote for Binay or Bongbong; because that will be very corrupt and I will be watering down the debate(puns intended).

I will however tell you this; the greatest gift you have ever given to the world; apart from Manny Pacquiao and David Alaba is Sinigang.